Oh...

I did it.

Do you realize that?

I nourished this tiny baby in my womb. Then I gave birth to her, all on my own.

As soon as she came out of me I scooped her up. My hands were the only ones that touched her.

No one took her away. No one interfered other than to offer words of joy and encouragement.

It was perfect.

She's perfect.

People won't stop asking if we've taken her to the doctor yet to see if she's healthy.

No, we haven't taken her to an office full of sick people to find out if she's in good health

Does she sleep well? Is she a good baby?

She nurses. She pees. She poops. And most of all she smells sweet, and I can't stop sniffing the top of her head.

What baby isn't a good baby, anyway?

People ask such silly questions.

All the time, since her first hours of life, she is like this:

A picture is worth a thousand words, right?

I don't know what to do with myself.

I'll never be the same again. No one warned me it would be like this.

So many women don't know what they are being cheated out of--this baby bliss.

So many women don't want to take the time to find out. Oh, but they don't know what they are missing...

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Is this thing on?

What he was thinking of, in fact, was the whales' songs. In the past the whales had been able to sing to each other across whole oceans, even from one ocean to another because sound travels such huge distances under water. But now, again because of the way in which sound travels, there is no part of the ocean that is not constantly jangling with the hubbub of ships' motors, through which it is now virtually impossible for the whales to hear each other's songs or messages. So fucking what, is pretty much the way that people tend to view this problem, and understandably so, thought Dirk.

Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

"We have a secret in our culture, and it’s not that birth is painful; it’s that women are strong."

— Laura Stavoe Harm

Juggling.

I just cooked supper for Rosie and me while nursing a sleepy baby.

Angel hair pasta, marinara and meatballs, and steamed broccoli on the side.

It went ok, cooking all alone with a baby glued to me. The only bad thing that happened was a bit of marinara splatter.

You know, just a bit...that culminated in my dogs licking marinara sauce off of my non-washable beige walls.

Ahem.

I'm so glad to not feel sick at my stomach anymore. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel human! To go out in public without dry heaving or just wanting to go lay down...it's nice.

Meal planning is in the works because I can cook, eat, and enjoy food. This makes me practically scream with joy. I spent the morning nursing my chubby cheeked baby, eating wooden food from Rosie's constant tea parties, and looking up new recipes to try--simple ones--so that I can cook healthy meals for Rosie every night. Since Tyler is at work in the evenings he won't be here to eat (or help) and that means I can cook whatever I want. Tyler is quite picky.

Bring on the vegetables! I can't wait. We're having shepherd's pie, chickpea curry, baked lemon pasta, pasta primavera, and whatever else I WANT.

This does not include plain grilled meat and a potato, sorry Tyler. Or fast food. Or any frozen food. Or any food made by Nestle for that matter, as long as I am doing the shopping.

I have to get going on my garden so that I can enjoy all of the aforementioned fresh veggies. I've got tomato plants in several varieties growing strong in a big pot. They need to be planted in the garden oh...any second.

I put some broccoli plants in my 4x4 raised bed, and I still have half a big pot of broccoli plants to finish putting in.

I have a big pot full of bell pepper plants, and a few Habanero pepper plants...

Lots of seeds to plant--two kinds of zucchini this year and yellow crookneck squash, corn, green beans, water melons

My pea plants are getting big over in the 4x4 bed. I'm not sure what the carrots, radishes, and swiss chard are doing in the containers...I've never grown any of those things before and they look kind of small and sad to me so far. But they are growing, so that's something I suppose.

My apple trees are growing nicely, all except one. The Yellow Delicious tree isn't well. It sprouted leaves, but they are tiny and curly and wilty. The other trees have flourishing big green leaves now. I have no idea what's wrong with it--it's in the container with another apple tree and the other tree is doing fine. Maybe it's just an unhealthy tree? I'm so lost...anyone with dwarf apple tree advice? I don't know how 3 trees could be healthy and one under the same condition could be so sad unless it's just the tree itself.

Gardening with a newborn is hard. I have to plant things in small increments. I think it will be easier once I stop bleeding and don't have to worry about over exerting myself.

I do have a great helper, Rosie...but she freaks out when dirt touches her fingers...or she sees a worm or any other bug...at least she has enthusiasm I suppose.

My big garden is tilled up thanks to Tyler! It just needs to be raked to get all of the plant debris and clumps of dirt out. There are some vines on the fence that need to be cut back too. That's normally easy for me to do, but again with the over exerting of healing self...bah.

Anytime I do too much I have a small gush of red blood, which is gross and annoying. I hope it heals soon!

Otherwise, everything with my body is almost fine. I feel normal...nothing like after I gave birth to Rosie. I can't even tell where my little tear was! Things are still healing a little though--when I wipe it feels somewhat numb down there. It's strange...but I don't think anything is wrong. Just the tissue is recovering from that big stretch from the baby's head.

My pelvic bones feel funny. I think I need to scrape together some money and visit a chiropractor because my left leg feels as if it's walking in a different direction other than straight ahead, and my tail bone is killing me.

I guess pushing a baby out kind of jolts everything down there.

My sweet baby Ada is growing big so fast. Not only has she already gained a pound, she also is starting to smile here and there. She's following things with her eyes today too! She watched Rosie eat her yogurt next to us on the couch and then she just grinned and stared.

I don't know what to do with her--she's so happy and content almost all the time.

And I'm so happy! I've never felt so happy in my entire life. What's up with that?

I could sit here and stare at my baby for hours, every detail of her chubby face, her squishy thighs, her brand new belly button, her fluffy baby hair...

I did not feel this way after having Rosie. Not at all. I spent weeks shuffling around and crying, worrying about random things like falling down the stairs while holding her, disturbing things like her temple getting bashed on the sharp corner of a table. Wondering if I would ever sleep again, getting angry at her for not nursing correctly or for waking up every time I tried to eat or shower. Resenting my loss of alone moments. Furious at Tyler for not helping enough. Feeling alone.

This time...I haven't had any of those feelings. I don't know what's different. It's maybe a combination of her wonderful birth and the fact that she's my second baby--I've already been through the initial shock of parenthood and I've adjusted. Baby Ada is like icing on the cake.

Delicious, mind blowing, amazing, beautiful icing.

It's not that I love(d) Rosie any less. Not that at all. It's just this baby...everything about it...bliss!

I don't want this feeling of happiness to ever go away.

It makes me want more babies. Badly. If this is amazing, I wonder how much better it can get.

It's like I have postpartum euphoria instead of blues. I wasn't aware this could happen.

Yeah, my sink is full of dirty dishes and my dogs licked supper off of the wall tonight. But that's somehow unimportant, it pales in the glow of this...I can't even think of a word for it.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's a good thing. I really good thing.